Hindsight 2020

Hindsight 2020

Throughout 2020 I have thought back many times to New Year’s Eve 2019. We were at a party (remember those?) at our friend’s house. I vividly remember that party because, being a shy person who wrestles with social anxiety, a truly good party experience is rare for me. This night, however, was perfect. I ate, drank, laughed and conversed the hours away with zero anxiety and afterwards thought to myself, “I like parties! I want to go to more in 2020.” I often think back to that night and how naively hopeful we all were about the coming year, completely oblivious to what it would become. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the past twelve (or more specifically, nine) months though, it’s to take every victory you can get, no matter how small. Despite the many challenges of 2020, I did experience some victories too, both big and small, in the area of life that means most to me: my marriage.

January

My Wife and I were in a relatively good place coming into last year. We were finally starting to grow closer together thanks to distancing ourselves from our repressive and dysfunctional upbringings. Also, normalize therapy! Our love was becoming more free and honest. Still, I held some secrets close that I felt I could never be told. I had tried several times throughout the course of our relationship, for example, to explain to her my desires to submit to her in bed and beyond, to no avail. I had tried to foster excitement, exploration and play between us, with no success, and both of us feeling left hopeless and stuck. Although my wife and I were becoming more passionate with each other, I had given up hope that our dynamic would ever be anything more than vanilla. No disrespect to vanilla. It’s a fine, very familiar flavor, but it also makes an ideal base for some fun and exciting toppings.

I have always seen potential for more in us though. We have a joke that she “just likes to be pleased” and I have always enjoyed doing just that. She likes to take; I like to give. However, there was no common understanding between us on that interaction. She was not experiencing it in the way that I was. Back in January, we had a conversation about it. I assured Her that I enjoyed the way She liked to take because I enjoyed giving. Just acknowledging the way our relationship was structured felt good and gave me hope that someday She might see just how much it meant to me.

May

In May, a chance encounter happened that, looking back, changed the trajectory of our relationship by changing the way that I saw my Wife, from someone I had to be afraid to confide in to someone I could trust. I wrote a blog post about that event a few weeks ago. Publishing that piece ended up being a catalyst in and of itself. Running away from my Wife and then being welcomed back to Her proved something to me. She didn’t want me to run from Her and She wouldn’t run away from me if I would only open up. She wanted me to.

She has since told me that after that conversation, She didn’t give much more thought to the topic. Meanwhile, though, I was processing. That event had inspired me to start accepting myself for who I am. Not yet ready to be vulnerable with my Wife, I turned to social media and a blog to start expressing my sexuality in a free and honest way for the first time. I didn’t have any expectation of what would come from that, except a hope that I would become a more confident and self-adjusted person in that area of my life. I ended up finding something so much more. Community would not only prove invaluable in my personal growth and mental health but I would also come to owe my newfound relationship with my Wife to it.

October

It was that community that enabled me to bring up chastity. I wrote a blog post back in mid-October all about what I loved about it. The secret is I wrote that post to help myself organize my thoughts in preparation to raise the topic to my Wife. Looking back, that conversation would have likely failed. That blog post is all about me and what I want. Thankfully, by then I knew better than to rely solely on myself; I’ve just fucked up way too many times before. I was fortunate enough to have friends to ask for help and help they did. We talked about how to focus on her and not just myself. They recommended a book (Locked in Love). I bought it, binged it and sat down with my Wife on the night of October 22nd to talk about it. That weekend was one of the most exciting and romantic in our relationship so far. For the first time, we were equally eager about something sexual, together. She told me it was the first thing I had ever brought up that didn’t make Her feel uncomfortable. To the contrary, it made sense. For so long our sexual dynamic had been dysfunctional, laden with guilt, pressure and pain. Chastity turned our broken dynamic on its head and brought us healing. We were finally finding our groove.

On October 25th, the night that we had planned to first lock me, we had a very frank conversation in our kitchen. While out running errands, She had listened to a podcast excerpt on chastity (Scarlett’s!) but ended up listening a little bit further. When She got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and over dinner, with the children still running around the house, the questions starting pouring out about the lifestyle. How did these women do it? Would I actually be up for it if She wanted to? She even confessed to having thought about other people before. It was a landmark conversation in our relationship and then…it was over. I wanted to go back on so many things she had said that night, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to press. I didn’t want to take focus away from our new, exciting chastity dynamic.

I’m glad I didn’t. I gave chastity the space it needed to start changing our marriage. She had never felt capable of giving me the dominance I craved but chastity helped her discover that dominance is what She wanted to make it. Before my very eyes, my (formerly) vanilla Wife took to her newfound pussy power with surprising ease. She became my gentle Goddess and I, the submissive to Her that I always wanted to be. The compulsive desire for traditional sex that I used to have started to melt away. I realized that all that time I wasn’t craving sex but intimacy. Meanwhile, She felt the space and freedom to come into her own sexuality for the first time in Her life. Our marriage was starting to transform and although I still held some secrets close to my chest, I felt so content in our relationship. I naively couldn’t foresee it getting any better.

December

I am still a little bit in shock at what has happened to us in the past month. Our marriage was already in the best place it had ever been by far, yet my blog and my Twitter represented my most vulnerable, unfiltered thoughts and I was still working up the courage to share them with Her. Then that would truly be everything. In an almost symbolic way, She came to me one night while I was typing and asked to see. I told her the name of the blog and that only made Her want to see more. A few days later I published Running Away and sent Her the link. She met me with unhesitating support, love and enthusiasm for who I was and a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. Surely, nothing would ever be acted upon (I mean, it was us) but there were no more secrets. I felt I had finally reached the summit.

That same afternoon, I had a spontaneous opportunity to meet with a lifestyle friend I had connected with online. My Wife practically shoved me out the door and him and I ended up sharing a time of conversation that was so invigorating. I had never sat with another cuck friend before; it felt so normal. They have since become good friends and mentors. It’s made me realize how vital having that community support is. All the people that have gone before and freely share their time and experiences have given us a massive head start in learning healthy from unhealthy, avoiding pitfalls and feeling safe. If you are in the LS community and have ever published a blog, done a podcast, chatted with us on Discord, invested time in DMs or left us a suggestion, critique or compliment, I cannot thank you enough. We would not be where we are right now without you.

I didn’t know where my Wife was at when I got home; the entire place was quiet. In my excitement, I had rushed past the kids’ room. She was just finishing putting them down for bed. We connected and settled into our own room and in no time Her questions started flowing. I don’t know how to explain it; all I know is from that moment on, my Wife became a new woman. It wasn’t as if a switch was flipped. Rather, it started as a slow drip of curiosity that quickly developed into a raging torrent. With each passing day, we went deeper together, questioning, fantasizing, confessing, hoping, fearing and confiding. Most of all, She was setting the pace, taking the kernel of an idea that I presented to Her and growing it into Her own. It was all I could do to sit back and witness Her evolve from I could never to I could see it to I want it. Our mornings, afternoons and evenings became a near-constant stream of sharing. Laundry piled up. Cooking was replaced with take-out. Much to their annoyance, our children became all too familiar with the response, “Hold on, mommy and daddy are talking!” from behind our bedroom door. We’ve found our balance again, but that enthusiasm shared equally between us is still burning.

So here we are, coming into 2021 as a vastly different couple than we were a month ago, let alone a year ago. We have talked more about our intimate life in the past few weeks than we have in the past few years, and that is no exaggeration. She has said things to me with complete sincerity that have left me shocked, not only at Her directness but also Her bravery. We have discovered a safety to say anything that has transformed the way we relate to each other and a kind of transcendent, soul-melding sex that neither of us knew existed. We have also tackled challenges, assumptions and miscommunication together and while doing work is not always fun in the moment, it always leaves me increasingly confident in the primacy of our commitment to go through life as a team and care for each other.

Of all the things to happen for us this year, that is the most exciting to me. I started this blog as my story and while there was nothing wrong with that, I am a married man. I never wanted it to just be me. I am grateful that my Wife has taken my story and decided to make it our story. As to the next chapter, I make an honest effort to not to hold expectations for the future and just appreciate the present moment for what it is. I may wonder what I will be writing about in a year from now but I’m not worried about it. I know that no matter what, we are walking into a new season side-by-side in our newfound relationship. Whatever happens, we will do it together. Together is all I’ve ever really wanted.

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